The way I fell in love... with God

This has been another one of those thoughts that has been eating at me more recently. I don't talk much about religion over here. Partially because it's such a controversial topic, and partially because I don't want my words to be misinterpreted.

That being said, sharing the way I fell in love with my Savior was not an easy task for me. I have debated posting this for quite a few weeks now. Even as I'm typing this, I'm not sure if I should click 'publish.' As you read it, please try not to judge too much. Even though I may have. I was living in a different world when some of those things happened. It's almost like both I and some of the people taking part on this journey didn't know any better... even though they should have and did.

I won't go on any longer.

Here goes nothing...

Most of my life I grew up in a very conservative Christian environment. But before that, my very young years were spent in a remarkably religiously liberal, Greek/Russian Orthodox household. We went to church on Easter and Christmas, for tradition's sake, and sometimes not even then. We were good, happy people who would pray to God when heavy rains would fall or when times were hard. My grandparents were and are wonderful, hardworking, kind people who consider themselves christians. They are not aware that in actuality, they are some mixture of agnostic jews, since they choose to believe in God whenever it's convenient for them, and think that Jesus was just a good man.

Those were my views as I entered a real Christian faith at the young age of 7. And I think I would have been happy with that knowledge for the rest of my life. However that was not the case. Our new beliefs, left me in a total religious shock. An 180 degree transformation, from my life style to what I ate. Never being much the type to question authority, I embraced the new beliefs, and obeyed them, even though I didn't always understand them.

This new God I was serving was different. He was an almighty, powerful God, who loves me so much that He died for my sins...and who could strike me down dead if I stepped out of line. I wasn't just afraid of Him. I was terrified. Like a battered wife would be of her husband. She'll obey him because he may kill her. The story of Uzzah would play in my head over and over again every time I did something wrong.

I followed all the rules because I was supposed to and because I really believed that this is what God wanted me to do. There was no makeup, no jewelry, no dancing, no wearing clothes to church that were an inch above your shoulder, singing nothing but hymns in the sanctuary. The drums were a devil's instrument. No talking in church, no going anywhere but the park on the Holy day. Even though forgiveness was preached much, you were not left with a lot of room for error.

The church leaders made sure you were behaving according to 'protocol' or you would be excluded. Never mind that they were judgmental gossips, who treated people like dirt the moment they stepped foot outside the church. Modern day pharisees.

As I was trying to reach the status of a perfect Christian, and going through the routine of obeying all the rules, I was broken on the inside, never fully happy. I alway felt that no matter how hard I tried, how much I pushed myself in this walk with God, I would never achieve satisfaction. I would always fall short of the cross, and beat myself over and over again because of it. That's a lot to take for a young woman.

Somewhere in my teens something happened. We moved to the States, I was older, and I started to question things more. While in church one day, the pastor told us that it's ok to question God. After all, Job did. That's the only ok I need to gain some courage. I just took it and ran with it, never looking back.

For the first time in my life I was looking at God with different, questioning eyes. I was tired of living a life of fear. I was not happy in that relationship, so why was I still in it? I wanted more. I needed more. My heart was hungry for knowledge, and understanding, and most of all for peace and love. I read the Bible for myself and for the first time I realized that I was really believing what I was seeing. Not because my parents, or the church leaders were saying so, but because I believed it. Me. And because what I was reading MADE SENSE. And even though I was still obeying all the rules, my fear had lessened significantly at that point, and I was really starting to fall in love with this God for the first time in my life.

Things only got better from there on. I went to college at a christian university, and my eyes became wide open as I discovered God in a whole different way. My first couple of years there I found the true meaning of the fact that He is not only the God of the Old Testament, but also the New. He is not only just and all powerful, He is also a great listener, kind and loving, and someone who wants to be my confidant and best friend. He accepts me exactly the way I am: broken, with tons of baggage, and stained by sin, with His blood on my hands. He is forgiving, and creative, and brilliant, and funny. I was no longer intimidated by my relationship with Him. I was falling deeper and deeper in love with Him. My soul was happy, my heart was full, my relationship was stronger than ever. The huge rock that has been hanging around my heart for years, was now gone. I was free at last. And while I was at it, I discovered that dancing, wearing makeup and jewelry will NOT give me an automatic ticket to the gates of hell. I can not express how liberating that little piece of information was.

Every year that passes by, my relationship with God takes new dimensions. It's almost like being married: every day you learn something different, and (hopefully) you love that person more and more because of it. In the last couple of years, I've been learning so much more about my God, and how truly wonderful He is.

He wants us to serve Him not because we're scared, but because we love Him. He wants a real and pure relationship with us that would put a fire in our heart and butterflies in our stomachs at the very thought of it.

As I'm concluding my never ending Love Story, I will leave you with the song that describes my journey so perfectly.

Read it's words. Feel it's lyrics. Take it in deeply.

And let yourselves be loved.

"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so " ~ David Crowder Band