Her Story: Courtney

Well, hello there.

The series premier debut-day has finally arrived.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous when I first came up with this.

This idea has been formulating in my head for a while now...

However, putting it all together took a little bit of work and courage from both me and the other women willing to put their stories out there.

Initially this was going to be a 1month thing.

However I've got enough stories to last me at least a few months.

And that's when I decided that as long as women are willing to open their hearts and inspire others, I'm willing to share "Her Story."

<a href="http://tatianaandbrandon.blogspot.com/search/label/Her%20Story"><img src="http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l575/ltatiana/IMG_8020-1.jpg" /></a>

{Feel Free to spread the word.

This will link to all future 'Her Story' posts.}d

My very first guest speaker is nothing short of fabulous.

This girl is one of my blog besties. As in, I feel like I could talk to her about anything. She's got a heart of gold, is gorgeous inside and out, and the love she has for her God and her family shines through everything she says and does.

It's uplifting really.

And I? Well I feel so very blessed to call her my friend.

With out further ado,

say 'Hello' to Courtney.

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I was so honored when one of my BBF {Blogging Best Friends}Tatiana approached me to guest post on her series! I think this is such an amazing idea for other women out there to get encouragement and relate to others who may be have dealt with similar issues or problems in their past.

I really debated about what I wanted to write on here when Tatiana asked us to talk about what has helped to define, shape and grow as a person and possibly a story that can help other women. Of course, the story that I don’t like sharing popped instantly in my head but I’ve been keeping this one close to me since I started blogging over 2 years ago. I don’t like being open and vulnerable on the World Wide Web because you never know who is reading and/or judging as they read. However, I’ve been feeling convicted to share my story in the hopes of helping other women and Tatiana’s request came at a very opportune time. Coincidence? I think not.

So before I start this off, I’ll just briefly tell you that my name is Courtney from With Gratitude, I am a kinda-sorta- not really anymore, newlywed who has been married to the love of my life for almost 3 years. We don’t have kids – yet – but hopefully will be expanding our family pretty soon. =)

This is probably the most open I have EVER been on the internet so please excuse me if don’t know how to word this right, I have a hard time talking about this with my real life friends and family, let alone people I have never met. But here goes:

I’ve mentioned briefly on my own blog that my older sister suffered from Anorexia Nervosa when we were teenagers and she almost lost her life when she whittled down to a measly 58 pounds as a 15 year old. I talked about our family’s struggle through that time and the years of therapy and rehab we had to go through together to help her get to the other side of recovery. Her story is so meaningful and closely wrapped up in mine that I even chose my major of Psychology in high school so I too, could help other girls struggling with eating disorders when I was older.

It’s still so ironic when I think about that now.

I don’t want this to be a novel so I’ll try to shorten it to the highlights. Freshman year started and I began my first college semester living on campus with a roommate that was one of the tiniest/skinniest women known to mankind. I became overwhelmed with classes, living away from home for the first time, a relationship with my long term boyfriend that was slowly heading south and the combination of everything triggered a small change in my mind set.

I lost about 5 pounds the first few weeks walking miles around campus and basically hating the dorm food. And while I have always been on the thinner- healthier side and never really needed to lose weight, I started to like the way clothes looked on me more and things slowly went downhill from there.

The hard thing about this was I knew better. I had all the tools that anyone could ever possess for eating disorders. Therapy and education on that subject had been my life since I was 13. Hello, I was going to school to BECOME a therapist for girls with eating disorders! But it’s hard to look at yourself objectively when thoughts start creeping in and you slowly lose control.

I began to work out at the rec center – challenging myself to run further and further every day I went until I was up to 8 miles a day, I started very carefully watching what I ate and cutting out all sugar from my diet, my skinny-as-a-toothpick roommate started sharing her tips on how to stay thin and before I knew it, I had dropped below 100 pounds by the end of my first year.

My family and college boyfriend {and future husband} took notice right away but no amount of talking or persuading could make me see that I had fallen into the trap that SO many girls do every year. I had convinced myself I was just maintaining a healthy lifestyle and the funny thing is; I actually believed it. After all, I compared my eating habits to my sister’s anorexia and I was only 95 pounds, nowhere close to Allison’s 58 so it couldn’t be an eating disorder I was struggling with.

Things only got worse my sophomore year and fights with my boyfriend, Jeremy, increased as he pressured me to eat more which made me really anxious and put a lot of stress on us. Our relationship went from bad to worse and finally hit a breaking point when I broke up with him so I could “find myself” AKA “do whatever I wanted and not have him breathing down my neck trying to make me eat constantly.”

That break-up was when I hit rock bottom. I started going out, partying, doing things I knew I should NOT be doing and my “healthy lifestyle” went from limiting myself to small amounts of food to full on purging whenever I did eat. I lost another 5 pounds and got down to the low 90’s before I finally accepted what had happened to me after a couple of months.

After finally being truthful with myself, I was able to go to Jeremy and admit how bad my eating issues had gotten. We didn’t get back together right away. In fact, he made me come clean with my parents and even sat by my side as I told them that another one of their daughters was struggling with an eating disorder. He made me get treatment and helped me research the therapist that would work best for me. He would take me out to dinner after each session so we could sit and talk about what I was working through and other issues I was dealing with. We started going to Campus Crusade {a college Christian group} so we could both work on our spiritual walks.

It was one of the hardest but also the best thing we have ever gone through in our relationship together and it was a time I had never appreciated Jeremy more. I know that I never would have been able to get through that without him and it made me realize how much he cared for me in order to work so hard to see me get better. He was my best friend and support system and I learned what a truly amazing guy he was during that time. We both grew and learned more about ourselves and each other in those few months than the first years of dating. It was after going through it that I knew without a doubt he was the one I wanted to marry.

I would love to say that this story has a happy ending and I am now living a healthy lifestyle, not caring about my weight. But I would be lying if I told you that I don’t ever deal with eating issues anymore and that I love my body and my weight because none of that is true. I still find myself restricting calories when I’m not careful, working out far too much, being overly critical of my body and panicking when my jeans fit a little too tightly. It’s a work in progress for me and I think it might be something I always struggle with.

Am I better than I used to be? Thankfully, I can honestly answer that I am. I don’t purge at all anymore, I try to maintain a somewhat healthy weight {I could probably up that number on the scale a few pounds but one baby step at a time}, and I also try keep my working out to only a few days a week.

Jeremy has been my steady rock through all of these years and I don’t know where I would be without him. He’s the only one that can get me to see things for what they really are and the only one I listen to when he thinks my weight is getting too low or can see when I’m struggling more than usual.

There are times I have to remind myself that my self-worth is SO much more than my physical appearance. I’m a child of God, I’m married to a man that deserves the better side of me, I’m a sister to my three best friends, and I’m a want-to-be mom if God so chooses to bless us with a family someday.

I really felt compelled to share this story because although blogging has a lot of positives to it, I think we can sometimes do an injustice to other women who read our blogs. I know, for me at least, that I don’t like airing my dirty laundry for the world to see but I also don’t want to come off as having the perfect life because I don’t. I have insecurities, like everyone else out there, and sometimes I think it’s a good idea to just come out and say “Yes, I have a great life but it is FAR from perfect.” I hope that by sharing this story, it helped others to realize that life isn’t always how it’s portrayed or seen from an outside view and we all have things to work on and better ourselves with.

Thanks for hosting this Tatiana!

I can’t wait to read some of the other stories!

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Isn't this girl and her journey so amazing?

How far she's come is a true testament to the strong woman that she is today, and my heart jumps with excitement for her.

Thank you so much Courtney for your vulnerability and for willing to share a piece of you with the rest of us.

PS: If YOU would like to share your story, shoot me an email at myblog.tatiana@gmail.com. I would love to have you.